Fatassuary is short due to leap year

I go to the gym twice during the week and every Sunday. My gym is fairly large, but there are regulars that I see every time I go. The teen jocks pumping up for the big game. The hot girl that does the Stairmaster and treadmill even though you can bounce a marble off her ass. The cute girl that does light weight lifting, acting like no one pays attention to her. The group of fatheads with no necks that take 20 minutes on each machine because they’re bullshitting, laughing, and gawking at the cute girl. Finally there’s the old guy, dressed in sweatpants and a polo, trying not to have a heart attack while doing a bicep curl. These are the folks that go to the gym religiously, and for the most part, our nice little group remains constant for 11 months out of the year. The rest of the time I refer to as Fatassuary, which occurs between December 27 and January 31.

Fatassuary is when everyone that’s freakishly overweight, has health problems from being out of shape, or thinks that working out is a “cool thing to do,” gets a gym membership for Christmas or as their New Year resolution. You can always tell when one of these guys is working out. They either (1) look bored out of their mind, (2) look like their mother sent them there without dinner for mouthing off, (3) look like they’re going to burst their brain because they don’t know their weight tolerance, or (4) generally look like they want to die.

I can’t really say anything for those that get memberships for Christmas. Opening that confirmation notice on Christmas morning is like being asked if you want a breath mint. It’s a subtle and polite way of people saying “Start runny fatty!” They go a couple times for a month, realize they much rather flex their biceps by lifting the Mounds Bar to their lips, and stop going. What I don’t understand are those that get the memberships themselves. They think that just because it’s January 1st, some magical spell will be placed on them and they’ll actually want to go to the gym.

You’re a fatass because for the last 30 years you thought eating healthy was popping in a Lean Cuisine and drinking Diet Coke. Simply because the big ball dropped does not mean it knocked some sense in your watermelon-sized head. New Year resolutions are just as useless as voting for the Green Party. You think you’re going to make a difference, but you’re still going to lose to the guy with the bigger breadbasket.

This year I’ve seen the willpower of the new guys drop faster than it has in the past. Yesterday I saw a new guy drop a weight, sigh, and say “Screw it.” Defeat slapped him like a Classic Italian BMT. My suggestion? Stick to what you’re good at. No one can order a sausage and meatball grinder like you. Save the gym to those who actually want to be there. The more time you waste there, the longer it takes me to complete my workout, and that’s selfish on your end. Admit defeat before you even start. As the great Homer J. Simpson once said, “If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.”

Meteorologists are retards with job security

I'm convinced that meteorologists are retarded. I don't know what makes a person wake up one day, look himself in the mirror, and say "I want to go on television every day, tell people something is going to happen, and then look like a retard when it doesn't." I can understand being a reporter, sports caster, and even give the traffic reports. Usually what you report on are facts (insert fluff news joke here). Meteorologists don't report on facts, they report on theories. And most of the time their theories are completely wrong.

Take last night for example. The weather report said the state was going to receive heavy snow. My specific area called for 4-8inches. We made sure we had enough food for a few days. We backed the cars into the garage and driveway to make it easier to get out. We made sure the snow blower was working, and we had extra gas. We made sure the shovels were out. The state issued parking bans, and some schools closed as early as 9:00 p.m. last evening. Most of the schools across the state closed at 6:00 a.m. this morning. I found out my mother even stayed home because at 5:00 a.m., when she wakes up, they were still calling for a huge storm. What did we get? Nothing.

Not nothing as in we got an inch or so. I mean we got nothing.

How can such incompetence not be grounds for termination? I understand that meteorology is probably far more complicated than I can imagine. I understand it's not an exact science (although I don't know why, in 2008, it isn't yet). Even still, anyone working in any other profession would have been fired faster than Don Imus if they made such a poor call. Why do these people still have jobs? I'm a reasonably intelligent young man working in the legal field, and I can't seem to get a job in today's market. Why the hell do such incompetent morons get a steady, and big, paycheck, while I'm sitting here at 3:52 p.m. on a Monday afternoon blogging about how annoying I find them?

I need to find a job where I can sit on my ass all day, look at colorful pictures, make predictions using my crystal ball purchased from Wal-Mart, and take home nearly six figures.

Maybe I should go to law school.

2008 – Let’s try this again

Every year I say that I'm going to keep a blog, and after a few months of fairly steady posting I seem to lose interest and eventually stop posting. Will 2008 be any different? I have no idea. But, let's try it again shall we?

I'm still looking for a new job. The market is absolute shit right now. If this keeps up, I'll have to either sell my sperm or work at the local fast food slavery. I honestly don't know what's worse. My fiancé' loves her new job, although there are a few minor annoyances that she has to deal with. I have an interview on Tuesday at a law firm that handles immigration issues. I'd help set up domestic (US) companies for individuals and businesses operating overseas. I think I'd also be assisting with getting immigrants working Visas, student Visas, and Green Cards. It's completely different than the litigation that I'm used to, but I'm keeping my mind open. I meet with what I presume to be the Number 2 of the firm. She sounded fairly nice and professional during the phone call I had on Thursday, so I'm pretty confident that I'll make a decent impression on her.

All I know is that I need a job soon. I'm getting incredibly bored sitting around the house all day, watching crappy daytime television, chatting with friends on IM, surfing the Web, and eating crappy food while playing with my cat. Wait, WTF am I saying? I love it!

I still need a job though.