Fatassuary is short due to leap year

I go to the gym twice during the week and every Sunday. My gym is fairly large, but there are regulars that I see every time I go. The teen jocks pumping up for the big game. The hot girl that does the Stairmaster and treadmill even though you can bounce a marble off her ass. The cute girl that does light weight lifting, acting like no one pays attention to her. The group of fatheads with no necks that take 20 minutes on each machine because they’re bullshitting, laughing, and gawking at the cute girl. Finally there’s the old guy, dressed in sweatpants and a polo, trying not to have a heart attack while doing a bicep curl. These are the folks that go to the gym religiously, and for the most part, our nice little group remains constant for 11 months out of the year. The rest of the time I refer to as Fatassuary, which occurs between December 27 and January 31.

Fatassuary is when everyone that’s freakishly overweight, has health problems from being out of shape, or thinks that working out is a “cool thing to do,” gets a gym membership for Christmas or as their New Year resolution. You can always tell when one of these guys is working out. They either (1) look bored out of their mind, (2) look like their mother sent them there without dinner for mouthing off, (3) look like they’re going to burst their brain because they don’t know their weight tolerance, or (4) generally look like they want to die.

I can’t really say anything for those that get memberships for Christmas. Opening that confirmation notice on Christmas morning is like being asked if you want a breath mint. It’s a subtle and polite way of people saying “Start runny fatty!” They go a couple times for a month, realize they much rather flex their biceps by lifting the Mounds Bar to their lips, and stop going. What I don’t understand are those that get the memberships themselves. They think that just because it’s January 1st, some magical spell will be placed on them and they’ll actually want to go to the gym.

You’re a fatass because for the last 30 years you thought eating healthy was popping in a Lean Cuisine and drinking Diet Coke. Simply because the big ball dropped does not mean it knocked some sense in your watermelon-sized head. New Year resolutions are just as useless as voting for the Green Party. You think you’re going to make a difference, but you’re still going to lose to the guy with the bigger breadbasket.

This year I’ve seen the willpower of the new guys drop faster than it has in the past. Yesterday I saw a new guy drop a weight, sigh, and say “Screw it.” Defeat slapped him like a Classic Italian BMT. My suggestion? Stick to what you’re good at. No one can order a sausage and meatball grinder like you. Save the gym to those who actually want to be there. The more time you waste there, the longer it takes me to complete my workout, and that’s selfish on your end. Admit defeat before you even start. As the great Homer J. Simpson once said, “If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.”